Which Way Is Up?

So, I’m not doing well again. (TW: Suicidal thoughts.)

I’ve been away from the computer mainly because we were busy helping some friends move but also a little ‘cause I didn’t feel like being online.

For the past week and a half, I’ve been suicidal. Haven’t been to the hospital ‘cause I feel like they won’t take me again unless I actually attempt. Based on the past, I won’t, so I’m just waiting for the feeling to pass and fighting it for now. Jerome hid my meds just to be safe.

Until I feel like I really can’t be left alone I won’t usually go in anyway.

The weird part is I’m not even sad about it anymore. I just feel like if I do it, I do it and it’s been a long time coming.

I quit caffeine again to try to calm down a little more. So far it hasn’t helped. Other things I can do are go to sleep/wake up at the same time every day and get my diet back on track.

Things aren’t so bad right now. M is helping me clean the house. Jerome is home.

Yeah, my house is bad enough that I need help cleaning it. I would just get overwhelmed at the idea of cleaning and clam up. It neer really got to that nice spotless stage after we moved so it’s been hard for me to keep up with the little things like vacuuming and dusting. Everything just piled up.

Having someone help me clean is stressful and embarrassing, but I’d rather it get clean so I can manage it again than leave it the way it is. There’s just a lot of clutter to go through. We need a couple of good pieces of storage furniture.

Anyway. That’s my update. It’s kinda morbid, but I wanted to put it out there so you guys know what’s going on.