I was feeling bad about myself and thinking about canceling going out and doing nice things for myself, or at the very least just going out and not doing anything nice for myself, just getting the groceries I need or whatever.
But Mom cancelled first, so I’m glad I didn’t have to do the canceling.
And I am also glad that now I’m under no pressure to be nice to myself and I can sit here not liking myself like normal.
…wait a minute.
Well, that’s not healthy.
How do I fix this?
I need a timeline on moving so I can see about getting in with my old counselor.
I told Jerome our interactions while he’s been gone are helping me actually feel good about myself, but then my brain does that thing it does when I try to do something good and now I’m a ball of anxiety and there’s a huge lump in my throat and I don’t feel good about anything anymore.
Thankfully, it is bedtime, this is not the worst anxiety attack ever, and I’ve been doing mostly okay with the valerian root, so that should kick in soon and I will sleep and maybe be okay in the morning.
I will figure out how to make positive progress and not panic one day, and I refuse to give up before that day comes.
No more trying to get steps in after I go to the bedroom.
I am good at hitting my goals before bedtime and Now I need to learn to relax and take care of myself.
Often I feel like I don’t know how to relax at all. I can sometimes sort of zone out, but I have to be immersed in something…like a game where there’s no time to look away.
I often HAVE to be doing at least two things at once or I’m antsy. Even while drawing it helps to be listening to something, like a podcast or a lecture. Right now I’m typing this AND making my Swagbucks app go through videos. Watching TV is hard because I NEED to do something with my hands…like looming or texting.
So, I will take this few hours before I fall asleep in the next few weeks (while Jerome and I are still separated) and try to learn to meditate in my own way, relax, and make sure to do all the pamper-y self care I need.
I made the bacon into a quesadilla with guacamole and apple slices on the side. Two things about this meal:
Time to get rid of a bottle of wine that’s been sitting in the fridge forever before we move!