Talents: Drawing, singing, coming up with crazy reasons why everything is my fault, barking like a dog.
Can you juggle: Not even one ball.
Do you like writing: Yeah, though I don’t feel like I’m good at it.
Do you like dancing: Yup…though I can’t dance currently. Hopefully it will happen again in the future.
Do you like singing: Yes, to the point of being annoying.
Dream vacation: Disney anything. Even if it’s just back to Disneyland.
Dream guy/gal: Going with the cheesy answer- Found him. Married him.
Dream wedding: We didn’t have a real wedding, so one day I hope to renew our vows and do the whole nine yards. Small outdoor ceremony. I don’t have a lot of must have details in my head, just has to be fun.
Dream pet: Appa.
Dream job: Working for a dog rescue.
Favorite song: Banana Pancakes- Jack Johnson
Last song you heard on the radio: We were listening to classical on the radio…I don’t think I was familiar with the piece.
Least favorite song: That Lime In The Coconut song. I hate it and I don’t even know why. Makes me grind my teeth.
Least favorite album: Uhhh…since I don’t listen to albums I don’t like, I have no idea what to put here…
Least favorite artist: See above. What a weird question.
Guys/girls/both: Everyone, wether they identify as either option or not.
Hair colour: Nope.
Eye colour: Nope.
Humorous/serious: Both? Can I have both?
Taller/shorter: Not a big deal either way.
Biggest turn-off: Chewing with your mouth open, bigotry, being rude, lying.
I think I finally figured out why my drawings are stiff.
I am stiff. I can no longer move in certain ways, and that makes it harder for me to imagine what they feel like and put it on paper. Sure I can copy things, but I do better drawing poses from memory. I am one of those people who makes faces when they draw.
I’m not seeing enough people. I don’t get to people watch a lot anymore, and my options for doing so are rather limited…I mainly see people in stores…they’re usually not doing anything interesting,
So I guess maybe I have to try a little harder? I really don’t like drawing people, but maybe I should try sketching coffee shop people or something. Try to exercise those drawing muscles so I don’t get so frustrated when I try to flex them.
We’ll see if I remember this when I go to the coffee shop.
I was feeling bad about myself and thinking about canceling going out and doing nice things for myself, or at the very least just going out and not doing anything nice for myself, just getting the groceries I need or whatever.
But Mom cancelled first, so I’m glad I didn’t have to do the canceling.
And I am also glad that now I’m under no pressure to be nice to myself and I can sit here not liking myself like normal.
…wait a minute.
Well, that’s not healthy.
How do I fix this?
I need a timeline on moving so I can see about getting in with my old counselor.
Brain still scrambled. Was unable to reach out most of the day, but still pushing to hold on to the positive changes.
Still managed to eat, do self care, and eventually talk to Jerome and Mom.
Made plans to go to Starbucks tomorrow where I will have a nicer drink than my normal iced coffee. Maybe treating myself will help. Also there’s people watching, Scrabble, and releasing a book into the wild.
As much as I am totally ready to be done here and go to NY, I still sort of hoping we will be here long enough to go to the fair at the beginning of the month. The fair is my favorite.
The girls are rowdy rowdy rowdy while Jerome is gone. I play with them, but he usually plays more.
My time for a new phone is coming up. I feel kinda weird because I almost am more looking forward to a new phone case then the phone itself. I’m just really tired of my case, okay?
I told Jerome our interactions while he’s been gone are helping me actually feel good about myself, but then my brain does that thing it does when I try to do something good and now I’m a ball of anxiety and there’s a huge lump in my throat and I don’t feel good about anything anymore.
Thankfully, it is bedtime, this is not the worst anxiety attack ever, and I’ve been doing mostly okay with the valerian root, so that should kick in soon and I will sleep and maybe be okay in the morning.
I will figure out how to make positive progress and not panic one day, and I refuse to give up before that day comes.
No more trying to get steps in after I go to the bedroom.
I am good at hitting my goals before bedtime and Now I need to learn to relax and take care of myself.
Often I feel like I don’t know how to relax at all. I can sometimes sort of zone out, but I have to be immersed in something…like a game where there’s no time to look away.
I often HAVE to be doing at least two things at once or I’m antsy. Even while drawing it helps to be listening to something, like a podcast or a lecture. Right now I’m typing this AND making my Swagbucks app go through videos. Watching TV is hard because I NEED to do something with my hands…like looming or texting.
So, I will take this few hours before I fall asleep in the next few weeks (while Jerome and I are still separated) and try to learn to meditate in my own way, relax, and make sure to do all the pamper-y self care I need.
Tonight in trying to use things that won't be practical to move:
A bottle of sparkling apple cider
I made the bacon into a quesadilla with guacamole and apple slices on the side. Two things about this meal:
I used the exact same ingredients, amounts, and methods as Jerome does when he makes quesadillas and somehow his taste better? Mine felt like it had too much bacon, and I didn’t cut the pieces small enough. Jerome’s always have the right amount and the pieces are never too big. I know the cheese was the same because I always slice the cheese. HOW IS IT DIFFERENT?!? I am baffled.
Sparkling apple cider and actual apples don’t really go well together.
They have officially changed Jerome’s contract. He is not going to Korea. Yeah. They were trying to send him to Korea instead of New York. I could probably write a book about what happened, but for now I’ll just leave it at that.
The ball is moving for us to go again. Fingers crossed things are easier from here. The real moving and shaking should start at the beginning of next month.
I am so hot this morning, I was surprised I had any liquid left in me to pee out.i had no problem sleeping without a blanket…except that it was too hot for even that.
When the pressure shifted last night, my joints felt it. The humidity has come. This morning feels like the same temperature as last night, though my phone says it’s 20 degrees cooler outside than it was.
Last night, not thinking, I decided to skip my shower, hoping for more favorable conditions in the morning, (Like maybe my joints wouldn’t hurt.) The heavy humidity is expected for a at least three days. If anything my joints are worse. I’m going to still shower though. If anything it will cool me off for a few minutes.
Of all the times for Kiwi to become a cuddlebug… She tried Olive first. Olive said no thank you and moved away into the path of the fan. Then she came and curled up next to me. I asked her to move. Then she tried Peach who just growled and growled until she got the hint. Too hot for cuddles, Then she got all sad and went and flopped down dramatically on the floor. Poor Kiwi.
Anyway, enough whining. I’m going to shower and then consider walking around with an ice pack on my head for the rest of the day.
So, after I got back from the mailbox my day went to pot.
I called a win prematurely.
The news about Robin Williams exploded onto the internet. Not only am I incredibly sad about his passing, but seeing someone else lose their battle with mental illness is not helping with mine…and somehow that makes me feel guilty?
Guilty that I should be grieving with the rest of the world, but suddenly I can only focus on myself and scramble to keep myself steady. Guilty that I can’t even reblog the suicide awareness/hotline posts that I normally would because I know I don’t have the guts to call them. Guilty even posting this because it will interrupt your night.
Negative thoughts are trying to spiral out of control, and I’m fighting back…but it’s hard.
Tonight I fight, tomorrow I grieve.
Disclaimer: I am going to be okay. I can’t even write about this stuff til I’m on the okay side of the hump, because before that point I just stare at the keyboard, or the phone wishing I could press buttons to get help. Plus Mom is here and I generally won’t go into a full meltdown unless I’m left alone.